by Drew Mindell
Cast of Characters
PENELOPE LANE: She became sixteen too quickly, and then never quite stopped being sixteen.
HUNTER: The villain, the prince, or something in between.
LANA: PENELOPE’s live-in girlfriend.
Place
In and around Penelope Lane.
Time
Now and again.
Setting: A child’s bedroom. A young girl’s bedroom to be precise, and everything is as fantastical as she imagines it to be.
At Rise: PENELOPE lies down on the bed, HUNTER standing nearby. They are both five, maybe six, and both are dressed for a winter holiday party.
PENELOPE
Oh no! I am falling into a deep, deep sleep! And only a kiss from my One True Love can wake me!
HUNTER
Do I hafta?
PENELOPE
Well, you are my One True Love, aren’t you?
HUNTER
This is boring. I wanna see if dessert’s ready.
PENELOPE
My mommy said ten more minutes, so you have time to kiss me.
HUNTER
Ugh, fine.
(PENELOPE settles back into her dream. HUNTER walks over and leans in to kiss her. Centimeters from her face, he stops.)
Are you sure this is how it happened?
PENELOPE
Of course I’m sure.
HUNTER
I don’t think so.
(PENELOPE sits up indignantly. Their foreheads smack together.)
BOTH
Ow!
HUNTER
Lie back down. It happened like this.
PENELOPE
Fine.
(PENELOPE lies down again. HUNTER backs up.)
HUNTER
I am the prince! I have battled dragons and witches and tax collectors, and I am here to kiss the princess to wake her from the curse, as is my birthright!
PENELOPE
What are tax collectors?
HUNTER
Shut up! You’re supposed to be sleeping.
PENELOPE
Tax collectors don’t belong in fantasy.
HUNTER
I said shut up, bitch!
(HUNTER hurls himself over PENELOPE and grabs her wrists. They are not in a bedroom anymore; it is a locker room now, the kind where you change before high school gym. Instead of a bed, PENELOPE is lying on a metal bench, and instead of nice holiday clothes, they are both wearing gym uniforms. They are fifteen, maybe sixteen.)
Shut up and take it!
PENELOPE
Stop! Stop it!
HUNTER
Why? Don’t you want it, bitch?
PENELOPE
This isn’t how it happened!
(Immediately, HUNTER lets PENELOPE go. She sits up, and he sits beside her on the bench.)
HUNTER
How did it happen, then?
PENELOPE
I kissed you first.
HUNTER
You did?
PENELOPE
I think I did.
HUNTER
How?
PENELOPE
Like this.
(PENELOPE straddles HUNTER and kisses him, real filthy (like a harlot). When she’s done, HUNTER is rather rumpled, and she sits beside him again like nothing happened.)
Remember?
HUNTER
I think I would’ve remembered that.
PENELOPE
Ugh fine. Maybe you did kiss me first.
HUNTER
Like this.
(HUNTER straddles PENELOPE, slaps her back and forth a few times, kisses her hard (like an asshole), and throws her back as he gets up from her lap. He sits beside her again. PENELOPE considers.)
PENELOPE
But it wasn’t like that.
HUNTER
Wasn’t it?
PENELOPE
It felt like that, maybe, but you never hit me.
HUNTER
Are you sure?
PENELOPE
Yes… Yes. I’m sure. You— Here.
(PENELOPE stands, motions for HUNTER to do the same. He does. As she describes, he performs the actions.)
It was after gym, and everybody else had changed and gone to class, but you told me to wait for you, so I did. I picked my sexiest sports bra, and I knew I’d done right because you checked it out when you came in. You said—
HUNTER
Damn, you look good.
PENELOPE
And I giggled. And you put your arms around me, and I did this wiggly sort of thing, and I kissed you. Or you kissed me. Wait, no, not like that. Nicer. It was nicer, the first time. Yes! Just like that. You kissed me, and I kissed you back, and you put your hands on my ass. Tighter. Not that tight— There. And I went sort of still. And you kept kissing me. Mmf. Wow. Lotta spit. Okay. We sat down. You made me sit on your lap, and we sat down, and you touched my breast. No, higher, like— Right. Like you were half touching my breast and half about to choke me.
HUNTER (laughing)
You thought I was gonna choke you?
PENELOPE
Shutup I’m telling it.
HUNTER
I didn’t hurt you.
PENELOPE
I know.
HUNTER
I didn’t rape you.
PENELOPE
I know!
HUNTER
I never even took my dick outta my pants.
PENELOPE
I know Iknow SHUTUP OKAY!
HUNTER
Shit, you don’t need to get all hysterical. What happened next? I put my other hand on your thigh, right?
(HUNTER puts his hand on PENELOPE’s thigh.)
PENELOPE
Stop.
HUNTER
What?
PENELOPE
I don’t want to play anymore.
HUNTER
This was your idea.
PENELOPE
I said I don’t want to play anymore.
(They are children again, and they are in PENELOPE’s bedroom, and PENELOPE is getting up from her bed all flustered. Both of their heads hurt from where they just bumped together.)
HUNTER
Why don’t you wanna play anymore?
PENELOPE
Maybe my mommy said five minutes till dessert. We should check.
HUNTER
It’ll only take a second to kiss the princess.
PENELOPE
I said I don’t wanna.
HUNTER
You’re the one who picked the stupid princess game!
PENELOPE
I know! But-
HUNTER
It just takes a second. C’mon, Pen.
(PENELOPE harrumphs her way back onto the bed.)
PENELOPE
One time, then we go check on dessert.
HUNTER
One kiss is all it takes to wake the princess.
(HUNTER approaches the bed in grand princely fashion. He kisses PENELOPE, and the world gets swallowed up a little. And then HUNTER is not HUNTER, he’s LANA, and PENELOPE is in her twenties, and PENELOPE’s bed is not in her childhood home, it’s in the cramped apartment they share in SoHo. LANA is up and ready for the day, and PENELOPE is just waking up.)
LANA
Morning, princess.
PENELOPE
Mmf… what?
LANA
You slept through your alarm.
PENELOPE
You kissed me?
LANA
Sure did, Sleeping Beauty.
PENELOPE
Don’t do that.
LANA
Why not?
PENELOPE
Just don’t.
LANA
Yeah, sure. Okay.
PENELOPE
I’m serious.
LANA
Jesus, fine. Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.
PENELOPE
I’m fine.
LANA
You’re grouchy.
PENELOPE
I’m not fucking grouchy.
LANA
Whateverjust, I’m gonna go make coffee.
(LANA exits. PENELOPE sits up, and HUNTER is sitting beside her.)
HUNTER
You’re bitchy in the mornings, aren’t you?
PENELOPE
Pleasure seeing you here.
HUNTER
We didn’t finish.
PENELOPE
I know.
HUNTER
So what do you want to do?
PENELOPE
Fuck if I know.
HUNTER
This whole thing was your idea. Figure out what really happened, prove to yourself it wasn’t so bad, stop freaking out about it so you can move on with your life.
PENELOPE
Yeah, well.
HUNTER
Well, what?
PENELOPE
Maybe it was so bad.
HUNTER
Don’t be stupid.
PENELOPE
If I’m still thinking about it ten years later, it must have been something.
HUNTER
You’re wrong.
PENELOPE
You’re not real, you don’t get to tell me I’m wrong.
HUNTER
Exactly. You’re telling you you’re wrong.
LANA (offstage)
Penny, I went ahead and threw some workout clothes in a gym bag for you.
PENELOPE (calling offstage)
Thanks.
HUNTER
What’s that about?
PENELOPE
She’s been asking me to take this hot yoga class with her for months.
HUNTER
Hot yoga. Sounds fun. Why haven’t you gone before?
PENELOPE
Same reason I haven’t gone to the gym in ten years.
HUNTER
Yeah, I can tell.
PENELOPE
Dick.
HUNTER
Tell her you can’t go.
PENELOPE
I’m not going to do that.
HUNTER
You know I’ll be there, right?
PENELOPE
I figured.
HUNTER
So don’t go.
PENELOPE
Fuck, maybe I won’t.
HUNTER
Is that any way to live your life?
PENELOPE
You don’t care how I live my life. Which is so stupid. Because I’ve spent ten years caring how you lived yours. Wondering if I was too harsh when I finally pushed you off of me. Wondering if you felt guilty for something you didn’t really need to be guilty for. Except you did. I didn’t sleep for a week after it happened. I still don’t sleep, sometimes. And I bet you didn’t have any trouble falling asleep that night.
HUNTER
You don’t know that.
PENELOPE
Maybe I don’t. But I believe it now. Wherever you are, you’re not losing sleep anymore. You’re not thinking about it at all. And I am. That means something.
HUNTER
Means what?
PENELOPE
Means you hurt me.
HUNTER
I didn’t mean to—
PENELOPE
Doesn’t matter if you meant to or not, you hurt me. And I don’t need to forget about that. I don’t need to do anything I don’t want to do.
Lana?
(Footsteps. LANA pokes her head into the bedroom. HUNTER begins fading.)
LANA
Yeah, babe?
PENELOPE
There’s something I need to tell you about.
(LANA sits down beside PENELOPE. HUNTER fades further.)
LANA
Are you okay?
PENELOPE
I’m fi— No, actually. Um. It’s kind of a long story. We might be late for hot yoga.
LANA
Screw hot yoga. Talk to me.
PENELOPE
You sure?
LANA
I’m sure.
PENELOPE
Okay.
(PENELOPE tells her story as HUNTER fades completely. The lights begin to go down, and so does her voice. We never find out exactly what happened in that locker room. That’s okay. PENELOPE knows. And now LANA does, too.)
END
